1. Pull up to jiffy lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since last oil change.
2. Drink cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write check and leave with a properly
maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total = $21.00
Oil Change instructions for men
1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2. Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.
3. Open beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke filter with screwdriver and twist off.
16. Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to O'Reilly's to recycle.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11???
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Discover that used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27. Drink beer.
28. Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
29. Discover that the first quart of oil is now on the floor.
30. Drink beer.
31. Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32. Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31.
33. Begin cussing fit.
34. Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit miss December (1992) in the left boob.
36. Beer.
37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38. Beer.
39. Beer.
40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41. Beer.
42. Lower car from jack stands.
43. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
44. Move car back and apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23-43.
45. Beer.
46. Test drive car.
47. Get pulled over: Arrested for driving under the influence.
48. Car gets impounded.
49. Call loving wife, make bail.
50. 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent: Parts $50.00 DUI $2,500.00 Impound fee $75.00 Bail $1,500.00 Beer $40.00
Total-$4,165.00 But You know the job was done right
